The news seems inundated with messages of doom and gloom, negative rhetoric and finger pointing. CNN recently claimed that a large number of Americans were suffering from post-election stress trauma on both sides of the political spectrum.
If you feel the weight of world coming down on you, bring some light back into your life by simply reframing negative thoughts into positive-intent perspectives.
1. Take Inventory of What You Think
Pay attention to when you start feeling resentment creeping into your thoughts and a negative attitude starts to fester in response to a situation or another person. Pause for a moment and consider another way of looking at the situation that would assume positive intent.
Imagine this scene: The cashier at your local grocery store is slow in ringing you up and bagging your goods and you are short on time. You feel your anxiety level rise and your internal commentary is firing on all cylinders. Take quick inventory of the intent of your thoughts. Are you quick to label the person ringing up your groceries? What is the story you are telling yourself about the person? If your story is dark and blaming, how does that impact your mood?
2. Find Positive Intent
Now take two long breaths. What if the cashier is doing the absolute best she can this very moment – just for you? What shift is you focus on being grateful that you can buy the things the cashier is ringing up. Maybe the cashier is taking her time because she wants to make sure she is not making any mistakes. This expansion of time at this place allows to notice the color of her hair, notice the shape of her eyes. What might you not know about this person that makes her special and unique? Do you notice a shift in your attitude?
3. Take Positive Action
Now that you have found a positive story for the situation you found yourself in, take action to reflect the positive shift. You can start by simply smiling at your conscientious cashier. How about a positive verbal expression? How about wishing her a great day and saying her name?
The next time you find yourself in a situation, you cannot change – discover something – anything – positive in it and see where that leads you. I hope it will be a bright and positive place!
During a recent workshop around the topic of Cultivating Organizational Well-Being: Good for Your Business, I had the pleasure of talking to an engaged group of professionals about the skills involved with Listening for Understanding.
The quick takeaways are:
- Listening to learn more
Ask non-leading, open-ended questions. Use “how” and “what” questions that allow the speaker to further explain their perspective. Avoid “why” questions.
Example: I am curious to hear more about what lead you to this statement? What are your personal experiences with this topic? What was your personal take-away from that situation?
- Listening for shared meaning
Restate key points and ask for clarification if you are not sure if you heard something correctly.
Example: What I heard you say is … When you said abc, it makes me think zyz, is that what you meant?
- Listening for agreement
Confirm where you share the perspective and agree with a point.
- Listening for new information
Let the speaker know if you learned something new and if you feel inspired to gather more information about a topic.
After you have met the speaker on his or her side of the situation, offer your perspective and any potential concerns. Make room for different opinions and perspectives. And simply acknowledge the disagreement.
I did the unthinkable and brought politics into the conversation and the lack of Listening for Understanding that most public discourses exhibit. The audience’s response was amazing and encouraging. It made me wonder what may happen if more people practiced their Active Listening skills – at all levels of interactions involving differences of perspective and opinion, which given that we are all uniquely human would be pretty much all the time.
So here is my offer to the community: You find a group of 20 people in the Washington Metropolitan area interested in learning and practicing Listening for Understanding and I will come and we will break down communication barriers together. What do you think?
How to Engage in CareFrontation or Radical Candor Conversations
Does this sound or feel familiar?
- Ducking for cover when you see THAT person walk down the hallway
- Found yourself in endless complaint loops about THAT person to others, which don’t change anything and just reinforce the unpleasantness of the situation
- Sweaty palms and flushed cheeks when THAT person speaks during meetings
- Screening phone calls because you just can’t bear talking to THAT person
These typical symptoms for a missing or incomplete Crucial Conversation, a challenging conversation that seems ominous because the stakes are high, opinions differ and emotions are strong. Even though many people avoid challenging conversations at all cost, when done well, they can be a true gift because they allow you to turn an uncomfortable situation into a relationship building opportunity that can improve collaboration and creative thinking.
Here are the 5 steps to address a challenging situation with candor and honesty:
- Data: I saw/ I heard/ I noticed … (communicate observable and measurable facts)
Describe what the situation looks like from your perspective without associating any value judgment. Stick with measurable facts. Avoid generalizations such as “always” and “never”. What is the specific situation that warrants clarification, exploration and a change of action?
Example: In your email from (date) you agreed to do (x) by (y). Today marks 2 days past the delivery date. I have not received any written notification from you that your team will not be able to deliver as agreed.
- Feelings: I feel … (own and communication your current emotional state appropriately and honestly)
If you are not comfortable naming your feelings, speak directly into your concerns and what seems worrisome in this situation. This step requires the willingness to be vulnerable. If that seems too far outside your comfort zone, you can move directly into step 3.
Example: I feel angry because I felt I looked incompetent when the client called this morning and I was not able to answer relevant questions without having seen your report.
- Judgments/ Meaning Making: I believe … (state a clear interpretation of the consequences from your perspective)
This step is important because here you offer an insight into your position without creating a defensive response. You explain your interpretation of the consequences of the issue at hand.
Example: I believe that this makes the company look incompetent and that our contract may not be renewed.
- Wants/ Desired Future: I want … (create a positive future scenario)
In this step you create a shared objective and establish why it is important to work together.
Example: I want to be able to rely on a strong team to support the mission of the organization, a healthy work environment, for us to collaborate more, …
- Willingness/ Contribution: I am willing to … (action that is likely to improve the situation)
This step allows you to take ownership of the situation and to communicate your willingness to take action toward positive results.
During any phase of the conversation, the other person may comment and offer a new
perspective. Good questions to ask after presenting the issue are: What can I do to help? What can you and I do to prevent this from happening again? What was your understanding of the situation based on these facts? What information am I missing?
The key is to enter the conversation from a place of genuine concern for the person and the relationship and with real curiosity about what leads the other person to behave the way he or she does. Preclude the conversation with reassurance of your commitment to set the stage for a positive experience and with the intent to lay the groundwork for positive future interactions. The Communication Wheel will NOT work if your intention is to prove that you are right or that the other person is wrong. Stick with “I” statements and avoid “Why” questions. Be honest and be open to learn something new and you may be pleasantly surprised!
Millennials seem to have a pretty bad reputation with many employers if one is to believe leading articles in mainstream media. Disloyal attention-hounds, short attention span, narcissistic, want a lot and offer little, etc. This does not reflect my experience working with young managers at all and a Millennial Study by IBM suggests otherwise as well.
My millennial clients are hungry for opportunities to learn, stretch and become actively contributing, valued members of optimization initiatives. They have grown up with technology, communicate differently with their peers than older generations, and they have learned by observation that hardly anything lasts forever anymore. The younger generations’ demands on management may be disruptive for traditionally managed organizations but let’s face it, our way of working is being disrupted continuously by advancing technology, changing policies or new market place urgencies.
I have been asked by a student organization at GMU to talk to them about what it takes for Millennials to be successful in today’s business climate, and specifically what college graduates can do to prepare for their transition from student life to the professional world. In preparation to the presentation, I am collecting short responses of what qualities, skills and behaviors leaders and managers in successful companies are looking for in the next generation that is entering the work force and for any new hire for that matter.
Here is your chance to contribute to the discussion:
What would be your advice for soon-to-graduate students?
What would they need to bring to the table to be successful in your organization?
Are you seeing a pattern in the younger generation of potential employees that is noteworthy?
What behavior to you wish to see more of? Less of?
I am looking forward to hopefully seeing a lively discussion in response to this request and I will share my keynote talk with all contributors upon delivery.
See other comments HERE
** NEW THIS FALL **
Here are some Core Business Questions for you to think about:
- How many conversations occur at your organization that are only needed because a previous conversation did not produce the intended results?
- What would change for your organization if you could eliminate or even just cut in half all those corrective and unproductive conversations and get the desired results after the initial, intentional and thoughtful conversation?
- How much time and money do you think could be saved by creating an active, collaborative and consistent Culture of Accountability?
This spring a colleague and I put together our first open-enrollment leadership development cohort program that addresses these essential questions. In June we celebrated the first group’s graduation and received rave reviews! The participants grew exponentially, shifted their perspectives, took courageous steps and transformed their leadership skills from project management and delegation to powerfully leading complex initiatives. I feel deeply grateful for the privilege of having been part of their journey and for seeing them take flight! We now offer Cohort #2 with some tweaks and improvements. Program details can be found here: SOAR FAll 2016 Flyer.
Non-profit, public service and small business rates available upon request.
- Module 1: September 23, 2016 – IQ vs. EQ – Why Self-Awareness Matters
- Module 2: October 21, 2016 – Engaging & Managing Coaching People to Optimal Performance
- Module 3: November 18, 2016 – How to Create a Culture of Trust, Collaboration, and Accountability
- Module 4: December 16, 2016 – Declaring the Future We Want
This program provides a significant boost to professional development and offers valuable tools to create a healthy work-life integration resulting in clear communication, collaborative relationships, optimized effectiveness and a happier work/home life. I would be excited to have you be part of a very unique and high-caliber group of emerging and seasoned leaders!
Event details: HERE
Local leaders are invited to discuss what it means in their organization when they operate under the leader label. Using Bob Andersons’ extraordinary book “Mastering Leadership” as a jumping off point, my partner in the seminar series, Sarah Happel, and I will facilitate deep discovery of the explicit and implicit expectations of those who are asked to follow and work with the leader. The expectations turn into the perceived Promise of Leadership.
What are leaders expected to do? How are they expected to do it? What are the criteria of a Great Leader? What obstacles are in the way of fulfilling the Promise of Leadership and what are the consequences?
Through experiential exercises, thought-provoking small group discussions and practical take-aways, experienced and emerging leaders will have the opportunity to examine their own leadership roles and their relationships inside and outside their organizations.
Please join us for a powerful breakfast seminar that will energize you to return to your places of work with renewed resolve to make a difference and raise the bar of their leadership effectiveness.
May 18, 2016 – 8:00am-10:00am – Tysons Corner (McLean), VA
Limited seats – reserve your spot HERE.